FFS Friday: I have a pink knife and an apple in my handbag.

Instead of a big long page of rants I will let you be privy to something I experienced this Tuesday. Looking back, I actually wasn't sure it was possible for someone to hit me up with every pregnant lady cliche. But it's all true, and all took place over the course of 10 minutes.

Mr S and I were in town to do some various errands and I popped M in her pram whilst Mr S went to get his eyes tested. We have not had a second cup of tea today as we left the thermos at home...

I stopped in at a jeweller to get my watch battery replaced. I've never really been there before, and I won't be back in a hurry. As soon as I walked in the door his wife offered to help with the pram (no thanks, I'm good) whilst Mr Jeweller remarked:
'Geez. Look at you!'
That should have been my DING DING DING walk out the door, but alas, I did not.

I smiled and made the requisite 'Yes, soon' noises whilst he looked at my watch. Then...
'Oh! You've already got one! I should loan you that show about the babies being born, you know? That one on SBS. About the babies getting born. It'll hurt so much you know!'

'I've already done it once.' Wan smile.

'I mean, geez, two babies? Wow, you're keen. How old's the little one?'

'19 months.' Wan smile. How long will this take?

'Geez. The second one's so different. It'll hurt and they won't sleep.'

I made small talk here with his wife about babies either eating or sleeping and how M eats anything we throw at her blah blah blah blah. Isn't this over yet? I made a snap decision at this point that I could not stand to wait to have the band adjusted as I intended. Just put a new battery in already...?

'I mean, geez, wow, it'll hurt. And two will be so hard to deal with. You know, the feeding and the sleeping. Or not sleeping he he he. Now... I'm not sure that I've got the right battery for your watch. It is a bit old, isn't it?'

'Remember, I already have a baby. I've done it before. And every baby is so different.' And my watch is gorgeous and actually not that old at all.

More small talk with his actually lovely wife about how wonderful M is.

'Oh, she's a good kid?'

'Yes.'

'Well, we had two that didn't sleep didn't we Mrs Jeweller? Good kid or not, geez.'

Wan smile. M is patiently sitting in the pram grinning at everyone walking past. It's times like this I wish I had a biter for a child.

'I don't know why you'd do it again. Geez.'

THEN...

'Besides, looks like there's TWO IN THERE, isn't there?' Buddy, I've got a pink knife and an apple in my bag. Did you really just say that?

At this point I actually glare at his wife, to which she halfheartedly tut tuts him. He finds the battery and replaces it.

'Here you go love. Oh look at you little one! Look at you sitting there! Yeah, you're in your pram aren't you? Now what's that in your mouth? What's that in your mouth?'

'She says IT'S A DUMMY.' Caps lock voice. Caps lock glare. I pay and as I turn to leave I say

'Have a good day. I'll leave you to terrify someone else now.'

And I leave their shop door open, after they've complained about how cold it is.

FFS.

And an extra FFS goes to me for not thinking clearly on the spot and what I meant to say was...
'You are an arse. Have a nice day terrorising someone else.'

BNHQ Update:

• Their dog has gotten out. Again. FFS. Thankfully we now have our yard gate closed a lot of the time as we have our beautiful deck and spend a lot of time playing soccer on it.
• When M and I were outside playing said soccer, I noticed a smallish child riding a tricycle on the road shoulder across the road. This shoulder has a dirt path less than a metre wide. Smallish child is doing three point turns, and when I gently point out 'Hey matey, there's lots of cars on the road here, it might be safer if you stay in your driveway?' I'm met with 'I can do whatever I want.' So I get out of our yard, across the highway with M on my hip, and the BN spot me coming in, and I meet them in their yard. Whilst being jumped on by two dogs I explain the situation, to which BNVisitor1 (who is the child's parent) starts screaming at him that he knows he's not allowed and oh my god he KNOWs he's not allowed and the dogs are barking and they're all screaming at each other and I just can't wait to get out of there. Now BNHQ occupants glare at me when I pull into the driveway. I'm not sorry for caring, and yes, it is us that called the police a while back. FFS.
• And seriously, enough with the idling and revving of your BNHQ cars for hours at a time. SERIOUSLY? FFS.