Through her eyes

Millie intensely dislikes having her photo taken, unless she's wearing her favourite frilly pink Peppa Pig with her Lightning McQueen undies underneath. She LOVES looking at the photos on my phone, and has recently expressed an interest in taking photos on my old iPhone and looking at the photos on the view screen of Mr S's lovely fancy Nikon DSLR.

He's been showing her how to take a photo using his camera, and yesterday she snapped this. I think it's my most favouritest photo of myself ever. There's something about the carefree abandon on my face, where I wasn't worried about taking a 'good' photo. I just smiled at my beautiful girl to make her smile.

In the rain, on a Friday.

This morning I turned and threw another log into my cart, readying it to bring another load of firewood up to the house from the yard. I saw a car pull up across the road at Former BNHQ (That's right! They've moved out!) and start blaring it's horn incessantly. It looked very much like a car that used to visit BNHQ and that was often how they would communicate to visitors.

I marched to my gate and said 'Excuse me mate! I've got a sleeping kid here! Please?!'

The male driver glared at me and roared (yes, roared) 'MAYBE YOU COULD CUT ME SOME SLACK HERE? I AM TRYING TO GET A DERANGED WOMAN OFF THE ROAD, I HAVE A BABY HERE TOO.'

Then I saw her. A young woman, looking pregnant, dressed only in a nightgown, wandering along the tiny verge on the highway, crying. Then I saw the driver, a young man, looking terrified and angry and slightly deranged all at the same time. I raised my hands in a 'Sorry, sorry' gesture as Mr S came out of the house to see what the commotion was. I watched, saddened as she walked up to the car, got in and they sped down the highway.

Oh my god. What on earth was their story? As a young Mum who has suffered with anxiety and PND (twice!) my mind raced to the unimaginable. What drives a young Mum to walk the highway in a nightgown at 9.30am? Where were they going? I hope he was taking her to see a doctor. Unfortunately, I doubt it. Is she ok? Is he ok? Is their baby ok? I hope so.

Then, Lady Pippa woke up, Mr S brought her to the window to wave at me. We've had an uneasy week here, with reflux and no sleep and finally getting some sleep help. We began our sleep training with Pip yesterday and so far, bless her, she's got it. I had my first full night's sleep in a year last night. Pip did not move a muscle from 8pm-5.45am. Fist pump.

I dropped my cart handle, shed my raincoat and boots, ran inside and smooshed her little smooshy cheeks and kissed that sloppy open mouth kisses that she offers and ran my hands through her curls.

I do hope the family I saw this morning are ok.

Oh, oops.

You see, I keep meaning to write here. It's just that I don't have much to say, except for the things I don't really want to say.

Lady Pip vomits a lot. Like, A LOT. Mr S and I can now catch a vomit in a bucket without messing up the floor - one of us can fly out of bed not quite awake before she begins to gag properly. After a long few months of discussions with our Dr, reflux was diagnosed, reflux meds prescribed and I added in some anti reflux formula. It's been a shitty shitty winter of colds, flus and infections, one after the other. Coupled with many months of being out of bed 4-5 times per night it's a wonder any of the Smyths functioned at all.

Thankfully the formula at night seems to have helped her settle and the anti reflux meds are working. It's absolutely heartbreaking to see your tiny beloved refuse to eat, cry when she swallows and make the most gut wrenching sounds when vomiting, and to try and wipe her own face with a towel afterwards. Millie hears Pip start to gag and runs for towels. What a life eh?

I hate not being able to fix it. I've got a sense of self importance as a mother that makes me want to have all the answers, fix all the problems and make it all better for my children. For goodness sakes, why isn't that possible?

I am blessed with a special group of ladies that make up my Mother's Group. I sew at night with one, take long walks with a pram with another, another one brings Pip frozen cubed meals when she won't eat anything I try. They are amazing women.

So, what have you been up to this winter? I've been making a quilt, walking with my new pram, finally getting some sleep and catching vomits in a bucket like MacGuyMum.

I know. You wish you were me.